who doesn't fight?

Don't duke it out,
Don't fake it out,
Don't hide it out,
Work it out!

that's a good start to a good topic...conflict. we all need pointers on how to resolve conflict. at the FamilyLife Weekend to Remember this was on of the topics discussed. i found it to be very helpful information and i hope you do too.

where does conflict come from? conflict occurs when our desires are not fulfilled...our expectations have not been meet...we have been hurt. our unfulfilled desires can result in anger. thus comes the conflict.

how do we resolve our conflict? here are a few suggestions.

A. Before you confront, examine the offense

1. Determine if the offense requires confrontation
2. Consider your contribution to the conflict
3. Examine your heart

B. Lovingly confront

1. Speak the truth in love
2. Approach confrontation carefully
3. Choose your words carefully
4. Your goal is to restore oneness in your marriage

resolving conflict requires forgiveness.

true forgiveness is not:
- pretending that something did not happen
- conditional
- forgetting
- an automatic cure for the hurt

granting forgiveness is:
- a choice to set your spouse free from the debt of their offense
- an attitude of letting go of resentment and vengeance
- the first step toward rebuilding trust
- an act of obedience to God

in the end we should be blessing our spouse not insulting them. we have the choice in how we respond.

bless your spouse by cultivating a new attitude.
choose a blessing instead of insult.
blessing your spouse follows the example of Jesus.
seek to be a peacemaker not a troublemaker.

you talkin' to me??

one of my favorite parts of the Weekend to Remember was on communication. i'm sure it's no surprise that i like to talk! so learning more about my style of communication and how my spouse communicates was a great help.



we had a lot of fun discussing the various ways people communicate:

land-the-plane vs. enjoy-the-ride

land-the-plane communicators want to find the shortest path to the goal. the destination is their goal.

enjoy-the-ride communicators think you might as well relax and enjoy the ride. the trip itself is what it's all about.

share-your-feelings vs. just-the-facts

share-your-feelings communicators feel deeply about what they communicate. for them emotions are simply a part of thinking.

just-the-facts communicators set aside emotions for logic, reason, and fact. for them, emotions interfere with good thinking.

thinking-out-loud vs. let's-take-turns

thinking-out-loud communicators ask questions and make comments as soon as the thought occurs-even if the other person happens to be talking at the time. for them, conversation is a group activity.

let's-take-turns communicators use the principle of justice and fair play to govern communication. conversations are simple: first you talk, and then i talk.

so in each grouping what kind of communicator are you? i know we had a lot of fun discovering our style...it was pretty easy to figure out!

like i mentioned earlier, i like to talk. so this next step of communication does come a little harder for me. i have to really work at listening. we were given 4 tips to encourage better listening skills.

1. give focused attention
2. listen with acceptance and understanding
3. ask clarifying questions; make summarizing statements
4. focus on what is being said, not the way it is being said

i think out of the 4 points the one i need to work on the most is giving focused attention. in our world today there are so many distractions. technology is one of those distractions for me. it's easy to be pulled into sending text messages or emails instead of calling or talking in person and even when you spend time in person you can be playing on your cell phones, laptops and not have a solid conversation. we have lost the art of effective communication.

one of the last points discussed was on communicating in a way that expresses ourselves well. to express ourselves in an effective way we need to think before we speak, realize that not everything we are feeling needs to be expressed, ask to make sure we are being understood and speak in a way that encourages.

what great reminders for me. i don't always think before i speak which would eliminate a lot of conflict in my own relationships! i also have the tendency to say a lot of what i feel without filtering. i definitely need to work on my speaking filter!

proverbs 10:19 says, "when there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise."

i need this verse tattooed on my hand!

how do you communicate? how do you speak? listen?

"let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. " ephesians 4:29

criticism tears down but encouragement and grace lifts up...