wrapping it up

i've been taking the opportunity in my blog to review the notes i gathered from the familylife weekend to remember. it has been important for me to take a second look at what i learned and actually put it in writing so i have a better handle it. i also had such a burden to share what i learned with other women because it was so beneficial to me. i knew that others would benefit from it as well. so today i'm going to wrap up the last two topics. "how marriages thrive" and "leaving a legacy".

i think almost everyone who is married desires to have a marriage that thrives. barnett brickner stated, "Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate but through being the right mate." i think he got that one right! in the end we are responsible only for our actions, behaviors, words...we are not responsible for what our mate does or does not do.

essential #1 extravagant love: it is exclusive (one person has your heart for a lifetime), it is expressed (it is repeated often through words and actions), it is extraordinary (it places your spouse's needs above your own)
extravagant love is a choice not a feeling.

essential #2 generous forgiveness: it is offered quickly, applied freely, and expressed graciously

essential #3 enthusiastic encouragement: openly affirms your spouse, avoids critical words, maintains a positive attitude, even in hard times

after we were challenged to have a thriving marriage we were asked the question, "what kind of legacy will you leave?"

i think all of us want to leave a positive legacy that is passed down from generation to generation. but how do we accomplish that? it seems like a daunting task.

hebrews 13:16 says, "do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God."

we are to be examples in our every day life...doing good and sharing...making sacrifices.

we need to preach a silent sermon...our actions speak louder than words.

we need to rejoice in our progress rather in perfection.

we need to put on the full armour of God as a family.

what is a priority for your family?

this video was played at the end of the session and it spoke volumes to my heart. i hope it challenges you to think about who you want to be. what you want your family to be? what kind of legacy will you leave?

this one's for the girls

one of the most meaningful times at the familylife weekend to remember was when it was just the women. it was great to be with my husband and hearing what God has for us as a couple and for our marriage but at just the right moment, girl time was needed. i'm going to share with you what was shared with that group of ladies...embracing God's wonderful design in our lives.

1. How do you become the wife and/or mother God has designed you to be?

A. Ordering your life according to God's priorities: growing in a relationship with God first,respecting and supporting husband second, teaching and training children third.

B. Ordering everything else in life: job, volunteer work, activities

2. A discerning woman chooses God's design rather than other influences

A. She intentionally pursues a relationship with God: praying and reading Bible, actively involved at church, spending time with other women who share her faith in God.

B. She welcomes God's design for marriage: man to be leader, woman to be man's helper and completer, having equal value but different roles in marriage

C. She actively works at being the best wife she can be: marriage most important human relationship, marriage takes priority over relationship with children, other family members and friends

D. She gives significant attention to her responsibility and call as a mother

3. A strong woman demonstrates love for her husband by respecting and supporting him

A. Men have a longing for his wife's respect and support

B. Respect is a choice to receive your husband in spite of his weaknesses

C. Communicating respect involves your attitude, your words, and your actions

D. Support is a choice to follow your husband's leadership

4. An effective mother lovingly teaches and trains her children

A. She looks carefully at the wisdom for parents that God provides in the Bible

B. She lovingly and intentionally guides and instructs the next generation: introduces them to God, communicates family's values, models godly womanhood, provides regular instruction, does not allow the home to become child-centered

C. She specifically guides children in identity, character, relationships, and purpose

D. She helps to shape the future by equipping and influencing the next generation

5. A wise woman depends on God

A. Marriage and parenting is hard work

B. Remember your priorities

C. The Holy Spirit will empower you

D. Trust God's design. Follow His plan. Leave the results to Him.

it's often easier to read this than to apply it. i know after sitting in the women's session i felt very overwhelmed...thinking i'm not where i should be as a wife and mother...the weight of the world on my shoulders to raise a godly child...etc. i know i'm not the only one with those thoughts, but it's always reassuring to know that i have help from my Father in heaven. His Spirit is with me always and enables me to do what needs to be done according to His will and that's what i pray for every day. life as a wife and mother can be very tough but we have a refuge, we have a source of power on our side to help us be all that God wants us to be. praise the Lord for that! that gives us hope, ladies!

who doesn't fight?

Don't duke it out,
Don't fake it out,
Don't hide it out,
Work it out!

that's a good start to a good topic...conflict. we all need pointers on how to resolve conflict. at the FamilyLife Weekend to Remember this was on of the topics discussed. i found it to be very helpful information and i hope you do too.

where does conflict come from? conflict occurs when our desires are not fulfilled...our expectations have not been meet...we have been hurt. our unfulfilled desires can result in anger. thus comes the conflict.

how do we resolve our conflict? here are a few suggestions.

A. Before you confront, examine the offense

1. Determine if the offense requires confrontation
2. Consider your contribution to the conflict
3. Examine your heart

B. Lovingly confront

1. Speak the truth in love
2. Approach confrontation carefully
3. Choose your words carefully
4. Your goal is to restore oneness in your marriage

resolving conflict requires forgiveness.

true forgiveness is not:
- pretending that something did not happen
- conditional
- forgetting
- an automatic cure for the hurt

granting forgiveness is:
- a choice to set your spouse free from the debt of their offense
- an attitude of letting go of resentment and vengeance
- the first step toward rebuilding trust
- an act of obedience to God

in the end we should be blessing our spouse not insulting them. we have the choice in how we respond.

bless your spouse by cultivating a new attitude.
choose a blessing instead of insult.
blessing your spouse follows the example of Jesus.
seek to be a peacemaker not a troublemaker.

my spouse is my gift

I'm continuing to review my notes from the Weekend to Remember getaway and just read some good reminders about God's plan and purpose for marriage.

Every marriage paints a picture...either we reflect God's image or we don't. When it comes down to it, our marriage is not about us. It's about Him. God's plan in marriage is that we would complete one another so that we may experience companionship. I love the description used in Philippians 2:3-4, "Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."


Another one of God's plans for marriage is so we will carry on a godly legacy. When we are gone from this earth, we will leave a legacy. The question is, what kind of a legacy will you leave?

God's plan in marriage is for us to leave, cleave and become one flesh. We need to receive our spouse as a gift from God. He is the one that gave our spouse to us. That means warts and all. They are a gift!

When we are being selfless in our relationships we are exhibiting what Christ has done for us. When we get our focus off of ourselves and what we think is deserved happiness, we discover what true sacrifice, commitment, and Christ-likeness is all about.

you talkin' to me??

one of my favorite parts of the Weekend to Remember was on communication. i'm sure it's no surprise that i like to talk! so learning more about my style of communication and how my spouse communicates was a great help.



we had a lot of fun discussing the various ways people communicate:

land-the-plane vs. enjoy-the-ride

land-the-plane communicators want to find the shortest path to the goal. the destination is their goal.

enjoy-the-ride communicators think you might as well relax and enjoy the ride. the trip itself is what it's all about.

share-your-feelings vs. just-the-facts

share-your-feelings communicators feel deeply about what they communicate. for them emotions are simply a part of thinking.

just-the-facts communicators set aside emotions for logic, reason, and fact. for them, emotions interfere with good thinking.

thinking-out-loud vs. let's-take-turns

thinking-out-loud communicators ask questions and make comments as soon as the thought occurs-even if the other person happens to be talking at the time. for them, conversation is a group activity.

let's-take-turns communicators use the principle of justice and fair play to govern communication. conversations are simple: first you talk, and then i talk.

so in each grouping what kind of communicator are you? i know we had a lot of fun discovering our style...it was pretty easy to figure out!

like i mentioned earlier, i like to talk. so this next step of communication does come a little harder for me. i have to really work at listening. we were given 4 tips to encourage better listening skills.

1. give focused attention
2. listen with acceptance and understanding
3. ask clarifying questions; make summarizing statements
4. focus on what is being said, not the way it is being said

i think out of the 4 points the one i need to work on the most is giving focused attention. in our world today there are so many distractions. technology is one of those distractions for me. it's easy to be pulled into sending text messages or emails instead of calling or talking in person and even when you spend time in person you can be playing on your cell phones, laptops and not have a solid conversation. we have lost the art of effective communication.

one of the last points discussed was on communicating in a way that expresses ourselves well. to express ourselves in an effective way we need to think before we speak, realize that not everything we are feeling needs to be expressed, ask to make sure we are being understood and speak in a way that encourages.

what great reminders for me. i don't always think before i speak which would eliminate a lot of conflict in my own relationships! i also have the tendency to say a lot of what i feel without filtering. i definitely need to work on my speaking filter!

proverbs 10:19 says, "when there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise."

i need this verse tattooed on my hand!

how do you communicate? how do you speak? listen?

"let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. " ephesians 4:29

criticism tears down but encouragement and grace lifts up...

moving toward oneness or drifting toward isolation?

"Every marriage is either moving toward oneness or drifting toward isolation." this was the first point i read when i opened my book at the Weekend to Remember conference. wow! that was convicting. i knew i was in for an honest look at marriage and myself as i entered the weekend.

we had terrific speakers. Dennis and Jill Eenigenburg and Bobby Conway. i appreciated their openness and their desire to see couples grow and see marriages restored.

the first topic discussed was "Why Marriages Fail". several ideas were shared on the threats that work against our marriages today.

the first was difficult adjustments as you come into marriage. things like backgrounds, motivations and expectations can cause rifts.

the second was our culture. our culture tends to emphasize relationships should be 50/50. that causes us to have more of a performance based relationships.

thirdly, there are always going to be difficulties in life...our response to difficulties will either drive us apart or bind us together.

the fourth threat that was discussed blew my mind. the speaker got up and said something along the lines of "everyone in this room has had an extramarital affair". whoa! what are you talking about? he was quick to elaborate. "an extramarital affair is an escape from reality or a search for fulfillment outside of marriage." wow! once again...straight to the heart. how convicting is that?!? we all could say we are guilty of that. whether it be our activities, materialism, careers, family, fantasies or a love affair. we try to live for the next best thing that will bring happiness and fulfillment. we are seduced into believing that we deserve complete fulfillment and perfect happiness (lie!). one of the things i know i spend too much time on and escape to is facebook. you can spend hours reading people's postings and looking at pictures all in the name of catching up and keeping in contact with loved ones. but when the hours pass and meals aren't made and laundry isn't done and our families aren't taken care of...what do we have? we have put something else in place of our husband...our children...we are guilty of an affair.

lastly, the fifth threat discussed was selfishness. we all are self-centered and have the tendency to be destructive in our relationships. it seems the longer we're married the less we give. early in our relationship we are more than eager to give approval and appreciation but after we're comfortable...we no longer seem to care. our selfishness robs our relationship of its romance because we are focusing on ourselves and becoming critical of our spouse's weaknesses, mistakes and failures to meet our expectations.

whew...just reading and looking at these points again have me out of breath. it's a workout. a relationship workout. marriage is work...hard work. up to this point in my life, marriage has been the hardest thing i've done but i wouldn't trade it for anything, for through it i've experienced the unconditional love my Heavenly Father has for me and has for my husband. i've learned to love more like Christ because of His love for me. and i have had the opportunity to have a closer and more meaningful relationship with my Savior than ever before.